THE GODLY CHILDREN GUARANTEE (PRO 16:22)

SERIES: DON’T BELIEVE IT, PART 3

GCEFC: AUGUST 9, 2009

INTRODUCTION

1. Have you ever known a family that had perfect kids? Well mannered and behaved. Outstanding students. Excelling in everything they tried.

2. Athletic, musical, artistic. All the kids ended up at good colleges—all graduating with honors. They also had a vibrant spiritual life and walked with God. All married well and then all had perfect kids of their own.

3. In one sense we’re happy for such families. In another they annoy us. These families often think the kids turned out the way they did almost entirely because of the parenting.

4. But this is rarely the case. It’s almost always a combination of things—some over which they have little control.

5. Then there are the families in which the parents did everything right, but the kids turned out—not so good.

6. The parents followed all the wise principles of parenting. They received good counsel from other parents.

7. They read all the good books they could find. They attended parenting seminars. They had the kids in church every week. They prayed for their kids. They were excellent models and examples to them.

8. They did everything that could be done. Yet their kids all turned out to be so much less that what they had hoped for and expected—rejecting the values the family held so dear.

9. And then there are the families that did nothing right. They were horrible parents in nearly every way. Neglecting the kids, setting bad examples constantly, unavailable when the kids needed them.

10. Broke all the rules, showed contempt for all the good values. And were the epitome of incompetence as parents.

11. Yet the kids turned out wonderful. In spite of being in the worst of environments, they not only survived—they thrived!

12. We know this happens. But how can it be? How can parents do everything right and the kids turn out so bad?

13. How can parents do everything wrong and the kids turn out so good?

14. And to complicate matters even further. What about the families that have several children and none of them turn out the same?

15. All the children are raised the same way by the same parents. And yet all of the kids are completely different in their values, their choices, and their lives.

16. This morning, in part 3 of our “Don’ Believe It” series, I want to look at one of the most misunderstood and misapplied verses in all of the Old Testament.

17. A verse that is often used by the parents of the “good kids” as a club to beat up on parents of the not-so-good kids.

18. A verse often used by the parents of the not-so-good kids to beat up on themselves because their kids did not turn out so godly.

19. We’re going to explore what this verse actually says and what it actually teaches. Then we’ll be in a position to respond appropriately in whatever situation we find ourselves.

A. WHAT PROVERBS 22:6 SAYS

1. The verse I refer to is PRO 22:6: Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it. Let’s start with some simple observations.

2. The first thing we notice is that if we expect a child to emerge as the right kind of adult, then we must start with the right kind of preparation for adulthood.

3. It involves training—train up a child in the way he should go. Training involves teaching, correcting, discipline, modeling, discussing, clarifying, and setting the right kind of example. And much more.

4. We can’t expect children to become godly, productive, responsible, and honorable adults unless they’ve been adequately trained along the way. We would call this a no brainer.

5. And if we expect a child to grow in godliness, we’ll need to devote attention to the process of growing in godliness.

6. The second thing we observe is that if the child is adequately prepared and trained, then when he leaves childhood, he won’t stray from the preparation and training received.

7. He’ll retain the values he was taught, and live them out all of his days.

8. This makes sense, doesn’t it? The Bible reinforces this truth in other places.

a. GAL 6: Do not be deceived—a man reaps what he sows.

b. Just 2 verses down in PRO 22: He who sows wickedness reaps trouble…

c. PRO 11:29: He who brings trouble on his family will inherit only wind.

9. This is all fine and well. If you want your child to turn out the right way when they grow up, then you invest in that outcome starting early in their life. And you continue it through their formative years.

10. So it would appear that this is one of those wonderful promises of God that we can claim. That if we simply do our part as parents, then God will do his part as God.

11. That if we train up our children in the way they should go—then we have a written guarantee that they will turn out as they should.

12. It’s right here in the book. A result to expect. A promise to claim.

B. THE PROBLEM WITH THE PROMISE

1. But there is a major flaw in this reasoning. And the flaw comes when we fail to take into account where this statement is made.

2. The statement is made in the Book of Proverbs. And that makes all the difference.

3. The Proverbs are not promises to claim. The Proverbs are proverbs.

4. A proverb is: A short saying in frequent or general use that expresses a basic truth, a general piece of advice, or a practical precept.

5. The biblical proverbs are the observations of a very wise man named Solomon. Who observed the world and how it worked, and then wrote down his observations for the benefit of his own and future generations.

6. In the opening verses of Proverbs, we’re given the premise of the book. It says: The proverbs of Solomon son of David, king of Israel: for attaining wisdom and discipline; for understanding words of insight; for acquiring a disciplined and prudent life, doing what is right and just and fair; for giving prudence to the simple…

7. There’s not a word in there about promises to claim. That’s because the Proverbs are not promises to claim. They’re principles of life and how it works.

8. And to the degree that we understand these principles and live them out—we’ll be better equipped for life. And so will our children.

9. Proverbs are about how life generally works, generally speaking. They’re not about how life always works in every case.

10. We know intuitively and through observation that life sometimes has aberrations and anomalies.

a. Hard work generally yields success. But not always.

b. Usually those who earn money, save it, invest it, and manage it well end up with personal wealth. But think of those who did this but invested with Bernard Madoff.

c. Good deeds are usually rewarded. But not always. Telling the truth usually benefits the teller. But not always.

d. Eating wisely, exercising, getting adequate rest, handling stress well, and finding a purpose will usually result in a long life. But not always.

11. PRO 22:6 is a general principle of life. That if we commit to training our children in the way they should go, when they grow up they won’t abandon what they’ve been taught.

12. This is a wonderful and reliable principle and we do well to adjust our lives to it. And if we do, it’s reasonable to expect a certain outcome. That’s the whole idea of a proverb.

13. But we must not think of it as a promise. A quid-pro-quo arrangement between us and God. That if we do A…then God must do B.

14. It just doesn’t say that. And there are 2 traps we are vulnerable to if we think it does.

C. THE TWO TRAPS

1. The first trap we can fall into is the trap of PRIDE.

2. This is when parents, who have been blessed with children who turned out well, start to believe that they turned out that way simply because of what they did as parents.

3. But there are 100 reasons why our kids may turn out well. Many of which we have not a shred of control over whatsoever. Our kids are affected by so many things.

a. When they were born.

b. Other members of the immediate family.

c. The friendships they form.

d. The teachers they have.

e. The activities they pursue.

f. The books they read.

g. The television they watch.

h. The movies they see.

i. The neighborhood they live in.

j. The extended family.

k. The family finances.

l. Their physical makeup.

m. Their innate intelligence.

n. Their life experiences.

4. Now, our influence and role as parents is enormously important. It may be the most important factor of all.

5. But it is just one factor among many. So if your kids turn out the way you hoped they would, then you should be extremely grateful and you probably are.

6. And you should thank God. And you probably do. And your parenting probably played a major role in how they turned out.

7. But never think for a moment that your kids turned out well just because of what you did. It’s far more complex than that. It always has been.

8. At the other end of the spectrum is the second trap. This is the trap of GUILT.

9. This is when we feel more responsible than we should when our kids don’t turn out the way we had hoped.

10. So just as you don’t take more credit than you deserve for kids that turn out well. Don’t take on more guilt than you deserve for kids that turn out not-so-good.

11. If you gave it your best effort and the result was less than you had hoped for and expected—cut yourself some slack.

12. No parent ever does everything right. We all make mistakes—some are small and some are big.

13. We drop the ball many times. And we don’t do the very things we know we should do. But we are not solely responsible for the way our children turn out.

14. As I’ve said before, we are responsible to our children. But we are not responsible for our children.

15. The Bible anticipated this concern in EZEK 18: The soul who sins is the one who will die. The son will not share the guilt of the father, nor will the father share the guilt of the son. The righteousness of the righteous man will be credited to him, and the wickedness of the wicked will be charged against him.

16. And this is how we apply it to PRO 22:6.

a. It means that if you DO NOT train up your child in the way he should go, then YOU will be held responsible for not doing so.

b. But if you DO train up your child in the way he should go, and your child chooses NOT TO GO that way—then YOU will not be held responsible for his doing so.

c. And though it may seem unfair, the child who is not trained up in the way he should go, and who CHOOSES the way he should not go—that child will be held responsible for his choice.

d. We may feel great empathy and sadness for a child who had to endure incompetent parents. But the child has no excuse for his ungodly choices, regardless of what kind of parents he had.

e. We are all responsible for our own choices. Some of us have more obstacles to overcome than others. But we are all responsible regardless of the obstacles.

f. No child gets a pass because he had bad parents.

g. The fact is, all periods of history have had destructive parental influences. And all periods of history have had positive and healthy parental influences.

h. We may applaud the godly and effective parents and praise their efforts. And we may have disdain and contempt for the ungodly and incompetent parents.

i. But at the end of the day we do the best we can, we rely upon God’s mercy and grace, we confess our failures, we learn from our mistakes, we pray a lot, and we press on.

17. If you’re a parent who’s been blessed with good kids, be aware of the trap of pride. Don’t give yourself more credit than you deserve. You deserve some—but just some.

18. And if you’re a parent who did what you could to train your child in the way he should go, and he departed from it, then be aware of the trap of guilt. Remember, you’re responsible to your children, not for them.

19. And if you’re a parent who did not train up your child in the way he should go and he isn’t going in the way he should go, then I’d recommend several things.

a. Confess it to yourself, to your child, and to God.

b. Seek forgiveness and reconciliation with those you’ve impacted.

c. Try to make amends however you can.

d. Start building a bridge of connection. It’s never too late for restoration. But it will be very hard work and may take a very long time. But it’s worth it.

20. And lastly, for those of you who are still in the parental trenches—don’t give up. Kids can change dramatically as they enter adulthood.

21. It doesn’t click for every child at the same time. For some it takes longer. You may be on the cusp of victory. God may yet do a great work in them.

22. And if your kids are already grown and things aren’t looking so good, continue to pray for them and do what you can to influence them.

23. Change is not easy and radical change is especially hard. But it happens. And it may happen in your case. So don’t give up.

24. Let’s not think of PRO 22:6 as a “Godly Children Guarantee.” That’s not what it is.

25. Let’s think of it as a sound principle on which we can order our lives as parents. That’s what it is.